The top 10 Christmas gift ideas for enterprises

Are you stuck choosing what to buy for the special enterprise in your life which has everything? Don't fret, we've come up with 10 great Yuletide gift ideas. You're welcome

With Christmas fast approaching, what do you get for the enterprise which has everything?

Sadly faithful standbys like socks, or Only Fools and Horses DVDs won't work for a large business employing hundreds if not thousands of people, but enterprises do have some needs.

So if you're stuck for what to give to the special business in your life this Yuletide, read on, we've got you covered.

A nice security tool

Let's face it, 2016 hasn't just been a terrible year for celebrities dying, politics going wrong everywhere you look (in this commentator's opinion), and climate change.

It's also been a dreadful old time for enterprise security. The year has been replete with enterprises of all shapes and sizes leaking data like sieves.

Conversely it's been a great year for hackers, and security journalists.
So you could do a lot worse than ensure the business you love is properly protected this Christmas, with the security tool of your choice.

Not sure which one to go for? Perusing the winners list from our recent Security Excellence Awards could be a great place to start!

A brand-new CDO

With digital transformation the big idea at seemingly every large business we've spoken to this year (RSA Insurance, Pearson and G4S to name but three massive firms currently in the midst of such a change), perhaps your favourite enterprise could use a CDO?

There's been some debate over the years about exactly what a CDO does, whether you really need one, and how much they should be paid, but as long as you keep the receipt and check the returns policy you should be covered.

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The top 10 Christmas gift ideas for enterprises

Are you stuck choosing what to buy for the special enterprise in your life which has everything? Don't fret, we've come up with 10 great Yuletide gift ideas. You're welcome

A big truck

It turns out there's a lot of data about these days. It also appears that communications technology has failed to keep up with data volumes, with the result that some IT leaders are resorting to trucking petabytes of data around the world rather than sticking the entire data lake in an email attachment and clicking send (pro tip: don't do that).

So why not help your enterprise gets its data to where it's needed faster, by buying it a whacking great monster truck? Or you could just wait for Elon Musk to invent faster-than-light data transfer tech. Once he's conquered space flight.

Hal 9000

Remember those massive data volumes we talked about? Well it turns out the data isn't much use by itself. Data scientists were all the rage in 2015, but in 2017 it's all going to be about AI - apparently supercomputers are EVEN BETTER at spotting patterns than people who really like numbers and aren't necessarily all that keen on people.

Just watch out for the tendency for them to turn into genocidal maniacs. And if you work for the military, maybe don't hook it up to the big red button.

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The top 10 Christmas gift ideas for enterprises

Are you stuck choosing what to buy for the special enterprise in your life which has everything? Don't fret, we've come up with 10 great Yuletide gift ideas. You're welcome

A lawyer

Possibly not the most popular gift idea this one, though oddly it would be one of the easier ones to wrap. With the General Data Protection Regulation coming in early 2018 (and the Information Commissioner's Office has already confirmed that it will apply to the UK irrespective of whatever deals we thrash out with Europe), the rules on data protection are changing, and not necessarily for the simpler.

Then there's Brexit itself, however that will resolve. There'll be issues around data location and overseas staff visas, and you really don't want to be picking it apart yourself late at night with a copy of ‘The Ladybird introduction to law'. So get the enterprise you love a lawyer, or perhaps several.

They'll thank you in the long run (though possibly not once they see the hourly rate).

A hacker

Earlier we talked about buying a security solution. Well why not go one further and buy an actual hacker? Because who better to catch a thief than another thief?

IT leaders have been debating for years (mostly because we keep asking them) about the pros and cons of inviting a certified black hat into your data centre and handing them they keys.

On the positive side, they appear to know quite a bit about security, and especially how to defend against hacking techniques.

On the other hand, when they say they're reformed, you might want to check if they have their fingers crossed.

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The top 10 Christmas gift ideas for enterprises

Are you stuck choosing what to buy for the special enterprise in your life which has everything? Don't fret, we've come up with 10 great Yuletide gift ideas. You're welcome

A hot desk

That's right, one hot desk. Not a hot desking policy, not an extra hot desk, but one hot desk, full stop. Behind staff, facilities are most enterprises' greatest costs. There's been a trend in recent years to downscale office environments, relying on remote working and hot desking to pick up the slack.

Well this is simply the ultimate expression of that concept. Think of it. A massive enterprise employing thousands of people with only one tiny office, which contains a single desk. And everyone gets a turn.

Just think of the cost savings!

A bitcoin account

Despite the shiny new security solution and possibly reformed black hat hacker, we all know that sooner or later everyone gets hacked. And 2016's attack of choice was ransomware.

One of the biggest problems created by ransomware, besides the idea that all your data is either encrypted or deleted, is that CIOs had to learn what a bitcoin is. So, ensure your favourite enterprise is ahead of the game by giving it a bitcoin account (and preferably a few hundred bitcoins) in preparation for the inevitable.

And if that sounds a little expensive, you can always hit it with some anonymous ransomware afterwards. You'll know it's good for it.

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The top 10 Christmas gift ideas for enterprises

Are you stuck choosing what to buy for the special enterprise in your life which has everything? Don't fret, we've come up with 10 great Yuletide gift ideas. You're welcome

Blockchain

In a world of marketing hype and buzzwords, blockchain the phrase which got away. It sounds like a marketer vomited it out after a particularly rich brain-storming session, but it's actually a useful development actively employed by organisations of all shapes and sizes.

Or at least it will be. Described as a 'solution looking for a problem', Blockchain is already noted as a way of tracking items through even convoluted supply chains, and there will be more uses unearthed as 2017 unfolds.

Blockchain is essentially great at allowing for trustless relationships. The punchline for this set up goes: 'something something marriage'.

All of the above

If none of that fully expresses the extent of your love for your favourite enterprise, why not go the whole hog and buy it every single thing on this list?

Which is another way of saying we couldn't think of another gift, and didn't want to leave it at nine. But seriously, nothing says 'Happy Christmas' like a huge pile of software, people and furniture, all hurriedly wrapped and stuffed under the tree.

One final word of warning though, don't expect anything back in return. Enterprises have to look after the bottom line, so don't tend to give anything away for free. But after all, it's better to give than to receive, said someone who really didn't understand the festive period.

Merry Christmas.